Do you want a Great Relationship?
By Richard Walker MSc, PDCHyp, MBSCH
Do you want a great relationship? Then you will want to know that it’s about helping each other develop and grow to achieve ‘wholeness’, and not just about giving and taking love. And secondly, that each partner must 100% commit to do whatever it takes to make it work - not just 50/50! When people take the step to seek me out for help, I know they are most likely willing to try.
As with every problem, I start with the premise that we are always in control, albeit perhaps at an unconscious level. So, from this perspective, I am investigating how someone would attract partners, and relate in ways, that they don’t want! A key part of my strategy is to uncover destructive hidden thought patterns, or ‘beliefs’ that the person holds about themselves, the world, or others, which govern their behaviour.
Take the case of Lynne (not her real name), 55, who came to see me because she wanted to ‘move on’ and to have a steady and lasting relationship. She said “I keep living in the past, comparing with a past relationship, and thinking about things that have gone wrong. I always have a nagging doubt that it’s ‘too good to be true’, and I can’t help looking for problems when there probably aren’t any - but I need to be sure in my own mind”.
She also told me that, “I can’t talk about things - my mind goes blank”. This helped me to uncover three important beliefs: (1) ‘I can’t have the ideal relationship’; (2) I don’t (ie. won’t) know my own mind, and (3) ‘I can’t say what I want’. Well, that seemed to me to be a good recipe for entering into relationships that aren’t ideal, that she was not sure about and in which she would not communicate (ie. relate)!
Using Time Line TherapyTM (a trance technique from NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming) we reversed her three limiting beliefs and then focused her mind on what an ideal relationship would look like for her, and how she would be behaving within it. After some hours work she announced, “I’m ready to move on!!” and was totally confident about creating a lasting and satisfying relationship.
A rather different case was Brian, a young doctor. In discussing his career, we uncovered a need ‘to be settled down and married’ – which seems fine on the face of it. But underpinning this lurked a prime concern – ‘must not be lonely’. Now, whatever you focus your mind on, you will tend to create in your life. So the problem here is that if you focus on something you don’t want (ie. loneliness), then that’s what you will tend to create! A second problem also arises, that once you have avoided the thing you don’t want (ie. loneliness), then your motivation now mostly collapses, and you don’t give full attention to developing a good relationship.
The upshot was that Brian strove to start a relationship, which then got rocky. Naturally, he would then get motivated to avoid it failing... and the whole process would repeat over time. A key step to creating good relationships for Brian was to reverse the limiting belief that he feels he is alone. Hidden thinking like this can underpin problems ranging from migraine to stress, and from insomnia to irritable bowel syndrome.
Weight control is a topical example, where beliefs like ‘I must clear my plate’, or ‘I must put others first’ can cause havoc. A recent client said about the work we did, “If I had known beforehand that I could feel this way, I would have paid anything – it is priceless”, which is not an untypical remark.
Richard works one-to-one and in workshops.
To find out more about how these techniques can help you, call Richard on 01582 768830 or visit his web site www.abetterlife-uk.com